Here we go then, Iāve gone out and got myself a van, but I have doubts. Did I get the wrong van despite spending hours researching the Mercedes Sprinter 313? A chain-driven van for life, or a perpetual rust bucket of misery?
š One Week, One Van, One Mounting Crisis
Happy one-week anniversary to me and my new van ā a 2016 ex-British Gas Mercedes Sprinter, or as Iām now calling it:Ā Regret on Four Wheels.
I thought Iād scored a deal. A clean 65,000-mile Sprinter with decent bones. But just seven days in, Iāve gotĀ buyerās remorse, a turbo that might be howling at me in distress, and a van that randomly beeps like itās trying to contact alien life.
𤯠Itās Big. Really Big.
I underestimated just how tall this beast is. Climbing into the driverās seat now requires either a gym membership or sherpa-level stamina. My last van was a shorty; this thing is Everest with a steering wheel.
Itās so big, in fact, that I keep catching myself choosing theĀ smallerĀ backup van for trips to the shops ā which is concerning, because IĀ hateĀ that other van.
ā” Gremlins & Gadgets Galore
Enter:Ā Battery Guard 3000Ā ā a name that implies safety and security. What it actually does isĀ beep constantlyĀ and flash like a nightclub in the back of the van. I have no idea what itās protecting, but I suspect itās just there to make me anxious.
Also broken: the washer fluid pump. You know, the one thing I didnāt test before buying. The van now sprays⦠nothing. But hey, at least the wipers still flap about in mockery.
š§ Engine Hours vs. Mileage: A False Sense of Security?
Hereās where it gets real. This isnāt just any van ā itās a formerĀ mobile power stationĀ for gas engineers. Itās packed with compressors, inverters, and cabling that would make NASA blush.
Yes, the odometer says 65k miles, but that engine may have beenĀ idling for eight hours a day on job sites. So really⦠how oldĀ isĀ it? Itās like buying a treadmill with āonly 3 miles on it,ā only to find itās been running non-stop for five years.
š ļø Everythingās Connected (Unfortunately)
I had plans. Small ones. Like removing the racking and making it feel a bit more ācamper-y.ā But every panel I try to remove is connected to five cables, and those cables lead into boxes I dare not open. Every bolt seems fused to a secret system keeping the van alive.
Thereās even a random switch under the seat Iām scared to touch in case it launches me into another dimension.
š Bonus Content: Existential Crisis + Haircut
Midway through this panic spiral, I had to leave the van behind and fly to Rome. Which is the most van-lifer thing ever ā buy a project vehicle, then immediately abandon it for a holiday.
Cue a fresh haircut and a final thought:Ā Have I bought a lemon? Or am I just catastrophizing?Ā Either way, Iāll be back soon, probably with a screwdriver in one hand and a multimeter in the other, muttering āitās fineā while sparks fly.
šø Shot on Insta360, Edited with Sheer Panic
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Emither | soffits.mossier_0b@icloud.com