So there I was, queued up at Dover with my van stuffed full of camping gear, practically bouncing with excitement. Then I heard someone behind me mention “alcohol testing kits” and my heart sank. Alcohol testing kits? Nobody said anything about carrying around a bloody chemistry set when I was planning this trip.

After a few road trips through France, Belgium, and Germany, I’ve learned that the difference between an amazing adventure and a €200 roadside fine usually comes down to having a plastic triangle and a hi-vis vest in the right place at the right time.

Look, I get it. You want to roll off that ferry in Calais and head straight for those Bavarian beer gardens or Portuguese beaches. But trust me on this – let’s sort out the boring legal stuff first. Not the Instagram-worthy gear, just the actual requirements that’ll keep you from having very awkward conversations with foreign police officers who don’t share your sense of humor.

It’s vanlife festival season. The sun rears its head for the 2 weeks it always does in the UK, giving us that brief hope of a nice summer (before we remember it’ll be crap by August). The van’s ready, the urge to hit the road is strong, and this year you’ve decided a fridge is definitely needed. Tesco, Halfords and Asda all have coolboxes going for half price – £89.99.

Most won’t even advertise cooling specs, but step into Halfords and you’ll see it: “Cools up to 16°C below ambient temperature.” That’s where the alarm bells SHOULD start ringing. But they don’t, do they?

Do the maths: rare hot UK day at 28°C means your “fridge” is running at 12°C. That’s not cold. That’s “bacterial breeding ground” temperature. But you’re still thinking it’ll do for the weekend.

Trust me, it honestly won’t. Are you really wanting to deal with buying ice every 6 hours? Slushing out meltwater that’s leaked all over your bread? Playing Russian roulette with milk sniffing?

Just Google “how long can cheese survive at 14°C” and watch your weekend plans crumble.

Actually, forget Google – let’s talk proper food safety. The UK Food Standards Agency isn’t messing about: your fridge needs to run between 0°C and 5°C. Not “below ambient.” Not “coolish.” Actual below 5°C. Why? Because above 8°C, bacteria reproduction goes mental. We’re talking doubling every 20 minutes.

That innocent-looking pack of ham at 12°C? It’s hosting more bacteria than a festival porta-loo by day two. The FSA’s “2-hour rule” says perishable food shouldn’t sit above 8°C for more than 2 hours. Your coolbox running at 12-16°C? That’s the danger zone, 24/7.

Here’s the kicker – environmental health officers can actually shut down food vendors for running fridges above 8°C. But somehow it’s fine to flog you a “cooler” that can’t physically achieve safe temperatures? Make it make sense.

And if that’s not got the message across, let’s deep dive into why these things are basically expensive fans with delusions of grandeur…

This post? It’s what I wish I’d read before wasting £90 on a “cooler” that couldn’t cool a can if its life depended on it. So let me walk you through exactly why these thermoelectric disasters will ruin your trip, and why I ended up scouring Facebook Marketplace for months until I found a secondhand Halfords 30L compressor fridge for £100. It’s not perfect – bit noisy, looks like it’s been through a war – but it actually keeps things cold.