Here we go then, I’ve gone out and got myself a van, but I have doubts. Did I get the wrong van despite spending hours researching the Mercedes Sprinter 313? A chain-driven van for life, or a perpetual rust bucket of misery?
🚐 One Week, One Van, One Mounting Crisis
Happy one-week anniversary to me and my new van — a 2016 ex-British Gas Mercedes Sprinter, or as I’m now calling it: Regret on Four Wheels.
I thought I’d scored a deal. A clean 65,000-mile Sprinter with decent bones. But just seven days in, I’ve got buyer’s remorse, a turbo that might be howling at me in distress, and a van that randomly beeps like it’s trying to contact alien life.
🤯 It’s Big. Really Big.
I underestimated just how tall this beast is. Climbing into the driver’s seat now requires either a gym membership or sherpa-level stamina. My last van was a shorty; this thing is Everest with a steering wheel.
It’s so big, in fact, that I keep catching myself choosing the smaller backup van for trips to the shops — which is concerning, because I hate that other van.
⚡ Gremlins & Gadgets Galore
Enter: Battery Guard 3000 — a name that implies safety and security. What it actually does is beep constantly and flash like a nightclub in the back of the van. I have no idea what it’s protecting, but I suspect it’s just there to make me anxious.
Also broken: the washer fluid pump. You know, the one thing I didn’t test before buying. The van now sprays… nothing. But hey, at least the wipers still flap about in mockery.
🧠 Engine Hours vs. Mileage: A False Sense of Security?
Here’s where it gets real. This isn’t just any van — it’s a former mobile power station for gas engineers. It’s packed with compressors, inverters, and cabling that would make NASA blush.
Yes, the odometer says 65k miles, but that engine may have been idling for eight hours a day on job sites. So really… how old is it? It’s like buying a treadmill with “only 3 miles on it,” only to find it’s been running non-stop for five years.
🛠️ Everything’s Connected (Unfortunately)
I had plans. Small ones. Like removing the racking and making it feel a bit more “camper-y.” But every panel I try to remove is connected to five cables, and those cables lead into boxes I dare not open. Every bolt seems fused to a secret system keeping the van alive.
There’s even a random switch under the seat I’m scared to touch in case it launches me into another dimension.
💇 Bonus Content: Existential Crisis + Haircut
Midway through this panic spiral, I had to leave the van behind and fly to Rome. Which is the most van-lifer thing ever — buy a project vehicle, then immediately abandon it for a holiday.
Cue a fresh haircut and a final thought: Have I bought a lemon? Or am I just catastrophizing? Either way, I’ll be back soon, probably with a screwdriver in one hand and a multimeter in the other, muttering “it’s fine” while sparks fly.
📸 Shot on Insta360, Edited with Sheer Panic
Let me know in the comments what you think of the video quality, not the content quality — that part is clearly hanging by a thread. Like, share, and subscribe for more episodes of “What’s That Noise Now?” and maybe a chill Rome vlog to balance the madness.
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Emither | soffits.mossier_0b@icloud.com
